Chrismation is only the beginning
I have been Orthodox now for just over a week. I was chrismated Holy Saturday morning during the liturgy which began at 10:00am, and a number of interesting things happened that have spoken a lot to me. First of all, the morning of the chrismation began with my fiancee’s toilet overflowing — yes, I spent the morning before my chrismation on my hands and knees cleaning up rather disgusting water, using the same hands that would be very shortly anointed with oil blessed by his eminence, +Patriarch IGNATIUS IV of Antioch.
During the chrismation itself, I opened my eyes at a rather inopportune time, apparently, and I managed to get holy chrism in my right eye. It burned horribly and I could not very well rub it off, so I stood there with my eyes closed with tears streaming down. My godfather and a few of my friends mistook this for the gift of tears — hardly. Instead of rejoicing as my fiancee and a few others were chrismated alongside me, I had other thoughts, which I will get to shortly.
My family came to my chrismation, but my father did not stay for all of it. As soon as the actual chrismation was over, he left. He did not like the service or the Church or the choice I had made, which he decided to express by leaving in the middle of the service and refusing to speak to me until the next day, in the middle of my birthday party no less (which nobody attended except for immediate family and my fiancee, after I had invited all my close friends).
When I received the Holy Mysteries for the first time during the Holy Saturday morning liturgy, contrary to other stories of people feeling immense grace outpoured on them, I felt not a thing. I was happy, to be sure, but I would not attribute that to any kind of miracle — just happy that I was finally Orthodox.
What was I thinking as my eye burned with holy chrism, as I mentioned above? I was thinking that this pain, even at the very point of my entry into the Church, is indicative of how much I’m surely going to struggle and suffer in the future, and I should not fall into any delusions of things being easy from now on just because I’m Orthodox. Everything else going wrong that day spoke to this. Clearly, the adversary was not happy about my entrance to the Church.
Strangely, I’m at peace with it, and maybe that’s where the grace of the Holy Mysteries is coming into play. I struggle as much as ever with depression when I’m in the academic setting. I stand in church and struggle not to judge everyone around me, and I leave church and struggle not to give in to other passions that I have fought for years and years. Yet, I have a battle I am waging, and I know there is victory in sight if I just refuse to throw in the towel. That is why Christ gave us the Church.
The only peace I’ve had since my entrance into the Church, then, is that I know I am going to have to fight. I do not feel peace with the world or myself, but only in that I must struggle, and through it all, God is merciful. I fully believe that outside of the Holy Trinity, there is simply nothing else. And I fully believe that without the suffering of this life, there is no salvation. At times I despair because of this — but again, God has given me the good grace to fight against despondency, too. I am a slave that shall be freed from his passions by the Lord God Most High.
Chrismation is only the beginning, and by no means the end.
5 May 2008 at 3:03 pm
Was your father angry that you had left the Catholic Church or upset with your choice for another reason?
5 May 2008 at 4:10 pm
Nah, my dad doesn’t go to church at all. He thinks it’s a giant business scam. He also said something about excessive mention of the Theotokos… so no, nothing to do with the Roman Catholic Church.
5 May 2008 at 6:33 pm
A business scam? What on earth?
Many years, Seraphim! I offer my unworthy prayers to accompany your journey.
6 May 2008 at 7:14 am
Praise and glory to the King of Creation!
Congratulations on your chrismation! Hopefully I will follow you shortly. It seems like you had a real mess going on that day, but I’m glad to see that you found a spiritual mystery in it all. I wish you all the best!
7 May 2008 at 1:48 pm
Congratulations, and Many Years!
7 May 2008 at 8:08 pm
I hear you! I think the evil one had the same plan for both us… can’t stop the chrismation, then just torture’em! I too was chrismated Holy Saturday and I’ll tell you that the week leading up to my chrismation was probably the worst week of my entire life. I had to get six stitches in over my left eye after an accident wrestling around at work (I’m in the Army, the fighting’s just something we do); then I got into a car accident the following day (everybody’s fine but my car was nearly totaled). It was an interesting Holy Week, at least! Let’s hope you and I can both put such times behind us. Congratulations to you!
14 May 2008 at 3:39 pm
Blessings, Seraphim!
I believe I had the joy to witness your chrismation and that of your fiancee, but in the busyness of the season, I didn’t get to tell you personally, “welcome home”–so, “Welcome home!” I just discovered your blog, and I really like it (what little I’ve read of it). In a million years I would never have gotten into heavy metal music, and you are less than half my age, but other than that it appears we’ve got an awful lot in common. For one thing, my parents aren’t terribly thrilled with my choice either, and Orthodox veneration of the Theotokos is a particular stumbling block for them as well. Also, I see that in the temptations you struggle with, the devil has no originality. I have been tempted with like thoughts and struggles.
Now, hopefully you won’t be intimidated in what you write at this blog knowing someone from your own parish sees it from time to time!
15 May 2008 at 11:56 pm
Thanks, Karen! I’m not at all intimidated, although I’m somewhat amazed that someone from the parish managed to find my blog and recognize me! Is it that obvious?
19 May 2008 at 8:39 am
Well, I knew your patron was St. Seraphim and that you got chrismated along with your fiancee and “some others” on Holy Saturday. That and other stuff just fit what very little I knew of you, so call it a lucky guess! Plus we both like Fr. Stephen’s blog, so perhaps it was inevitable.
You express yourself well. Keep writing. With regard to the battles and depression–the Lord doesn’t put us in a communion for nothing and He, Himself, certainly doesn’t leave us alone. Others have been there and are praying for you. I take great comfort in the communion of saints, especially those who have passed into the Lord’s Presence, because I know they are not limited in their ability to pray for us in the way that those of us still duking it out here on earth are. On the other hand, it can be nice to know you are surrounded by fellow strugglers, who can genuinely sympathize with much of your experience. That may be one of the great strengths of your blog. I don’t think you need to feel you have something “inspiring” to say in order to write. So often, it is precisely as a result of our weakness that the Lord reveals Himself to us and to others through us.