The glory of God vs. this blog
This was a comment someone left on one of my posts just today. It essentially sums up the reason why I haven’t made a post in a few weeks:
Somehow, I feel much bitterness from your writings. Remember, that even if you punish yourself and think that you are repenting and genuinely confessing, unless you bear sweet fruits in your heart, then there is something wrong. You may wish to revisit your frustration with others and uproot the daemon of judgment.
Bitterness and judgment… that about sums it up. I decided that posting on this blog was not helping my tendency toward despondency and despair. That last post I made simply containing Psalm 41 was part of a better strategy to combat that, which is to pray the Psalter and try to heed St. Paul’s command to “pray without ceasing.” Of course, I would have done well to remove those first few words I included before it if I was truly seeking to be edified!
At this point, I’m not sure what worth there is in posting here, except to perhaps share edifying things. Part of the reason I kept making posts was to show how much a Christian can and does struggle, but I think I’ve made my point. Besides, the way I’ve had to struggle is hardly what anybody should want, and frankly, much of the depression I’ve complained about has been of my own creation. Sloth and despair, the first two items of the prayer of St. Ephraim (“O Lord, take from me…”) — combine those two, and you have a good formula for what I’ve been fighting.
So, it has come to the point where there is no need to continue to make posts wallowing in misery. Anyone who has read this blog has seen me “hit bottom” (so to speak) with the kinds of things I was saying at the end of May — believe it or not, I held back some of what I was thinking. Such writing is not edifying for anybody to read, and it’s definitely not good for me to be writing, either. After all, this blog is called IC XC NIKA — Jesus Christ conquers — but I have truly neglected to remember the NIKA part of that bold statement!
I’m at a crossroads of sorts in regards to this blog. I may shut it down. I may leave it be and not write anything else. I may post positive things I see. I don’t know yet. But the trend I was following those last few posts must stop. I’d be better off praying than allowing myself to write anymore of that. I can hardly lie and say that I am any better off than I was before — probably because that isn’t true — but depression and despair is not askesis. Askesis is fighting it and trusting in God in order to defeat it. St. Seraphim of Sarov, my holy patron, always looks joyfully glorious in his icons — that’s the goal. The glory of God radiates from him, as with all of the holy saints:
The glory of God. I pray anyone who has read what I’ve written below may be edified that through the prayers of St. Seraphim, I am starting to love God and fight against the adversary after all, little by little, nanometer by nanometer. God be gracious unto us and bless us, and cause His countenance to shine upon us and have mercy on us!
18 June 2008 at 12:48 pm
Hi Seraphim,
Just to balance what our brother has written, I think many do benefit from seeing a bit of your struggles. As I’ve said before, ultimately God can be glorified in our weakness sometimes far more than in our strength. There may be someone out there deep in depression who would be heartened to see another Christian not giving up the struggle–even though it is obviously still a struggle. Think of the content of a lot of those Psalms you are reading. Sometimes they are all woe except for a couple of quick lines of praise at the end. Talk about bitterness and judgment–the imprecatory Psalms come to mind! I think there are a lot of people out there who need to know it is all right to beat on God’s chest in frustration or even abject despair every now and again. He is definitely big enough to take it. Sometimes it is after the ugliest stuff has come out that we recognize His love for us hasn’t changed one iota, but rather is more piercingly evident than ever and are transformed. I believe such realizations are a big part of what transfigure us “from glory to glory.” In contrast to our brother, I prefer authenticity of faith (which necessarily includes confession of struggle) to sanitized blogs. It makes me grapple with my faith on a far deeper level, and that can only be a good thing. There are bloggers who just spew vitriol and cast blame on everyone else. I don’t feel that is what you are doing even where you share your struggles with judgment of others. I think what you have shared, you have shared in a responsible way. The important thing for your decision right now is what is it doing to you to blog about your struggles? Are you being driven further to despair by putting your thoughts out here (and risking the occasional brotherly reprimand), or are you helped/encouraged? That is the question that I think should drive your decision to continue or quit. May the Lord guide and bless your decisions.
19 June 2008 at 5:56 am
Dear brother,
Persistency and not giving up is the way, when you are oppressed by sloth (dejection and listlessness). All of us, who have made an attempt to take The Path, sooner or later face these two wicked ones. You can read “Of the Spirit of Dejection” [http://www.ccel.org/ccel/schaff/npnf211.iv.iii.ix.html ] and “Of the Spirit of Accidie” [http://www.ccel.org/ccel/schaff/npnf211.iv.iii.x.html] (Philokalia = Of the Spirit of Listlessness) by the St. John Cassian.
Also, what I have written to you previously was not meant to seduce you into them, but just to help you reflect upon yourself and not miss the obvious
May The Holy Spirit come to us and clean us form all the filthy ones.
20 July 2008 at 1:21 pm
I hope you continue to post. Your struggles are the ones we all go through. I’ve only just discovered your blog and it’s very helpful for someone like myself who struggles in the same ways.
thanks,
Brett