Update.

Consider this blog re-opened, though perhaps with a different tone as before. My bipolar disorder has changed my outlook on a number of things, especially with regard to all of the depression, anger and bitterness seen throughout my earlier posts. And yes, I have type two bipolar disorder with obsessive-compulsive features. Read back over this blog; it explains a lot.

An update on how I’ve been… well, I was in a mental hospital for the new year, and I also spent some time in a mental hospital in mid-November. In periods of my darkest depressions, the idea came to me to start hurting myself in various ways, and the urges to commit suicide were too intense to endure — hence, stays in the hospital. And unfortunately, after being relatively stable for the past few months, things are getting bad again, and I can see another hospital stay in the future.

I fully realize there is a spiritual component here. I am on a LOT of medications, but I cannot find spiritual healing through doctors, hospitals and pills. That’s where the other hospital, the One Holy Catholic and Apostolic Church, comes in. There is nothing mortal men can do for me that will provide the healing and the protection I need. I fully believe God works through the doctors and nurses and medicines to help me, but if I do not also remember God, it is all for naught.

Clearly, things are quite rocky for me at the moment. There has even been some talk of pursuing disability benefits — imagine!! But, the urges to hurt myself, or worse, are plaguing me again — almost as if there were someone in my head telling me things, but that someone isn’t me. I suppose it would be more accurate to blame chemicals in my head not doing what they’re supposed to be doing, but either way, may God help me get stable again, hopefully for good. I have high hopes of being an oncological or psychiatric nurse one day, and I hope to help people like me who have had a rough cross given to them.

I just try to remember, God does not give people crosses that are more than they can bear, and these crosses are for our salvation. May God preserve us all that we might give glory to Him, amin.